Mega Pass Holder Can’t Wait to Ski Your Mountain

A Mega Pass holder double takes the promising terrain of your local ski area. 

MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Despite the unseasonably warm conditions across most of the US, on Friday a pow-hungry Mega Pass holder in Salt Lake City began planning his mid-winter interstate powder pillage. First on the hit list? Your home mountain.

Epic Resorts’ Mega Pass—a younger sibling to the now-infamous Stoke Pass—allows access to over 30 domestic and international ski and snowboard destinations. Both passes have been lauded as a good thing for the ski industry and a blessing for skiers and riders landlocked in flyover country. 

But over the past two winters, disenchanted locals from Aspen to Jackson Hole to Niseko have grumbled loudly about the Epic Resort pass offerings.

Locals, if you're reading this, just know that I don't give a f*ck! I'm coming for your powder. I'm going to stay at an AirBnB that screws up your town's affordable housing. After I cut up your pow stashes, I won't tip you at the bar. I'm going to bootpack up your skin track after the resort closes, too. And afterwards, I'll definitely be poaching your hot tub, and hopefully, your ex.

Long lines, increased prices and crowded commutes are but a few of the headaches now frequently endured by the complainant alpha resort communities.

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game,” Salt Lake City-resident and Mega Pass holder Danny McGaper told TGR. “Sure, there are places I can go ski in the Wasatch, but c’mon, we all know the Wasatch are just a poor man’s Tetons. Why hit Brighton or Solitude when my pass gets me two days at Jackson Hole? I'm hungry for new terrain, zones and stashes—and sorry, not sorry—I don't give a sh*t that you consider them under your territorial dominion." 

“Just a quick drive north,” he continued, “and I too can live the dream—in a long-ass tram line, surrounded by drunken, angry, territorial 'local' bros who actually come from Connecticut.” 

When asked if he felt bad about taking tracks away from local residents of the communities he planned to visit, McGaper was completely unremorseful, and even seemed to relish his future powder conquests.

"Locals, if you're reading this, just know that I don't give a f*ck! I'm coming for your powder. I'm going to stay at an AirBnB that screws up your town's affordable housing. After I cut up your pow stashes, I won't tip you at the bar. I'm going to bootpack up your skin track after the resort closes, too. And afterwards, I'll definitely be poaching your hot tub, and hopefully, your ex," McGaper laughed maniacally while pre-packing his ski bag. "Just wait..."  

From The Column: The Bumion

Magic Carpet Replaces Tram, Locals Are Pissed

Retired Ski Patrol Dog Seeks New Meaning, Purpose

Goat Becomes Latest Victim in Trademark Lawsuit

Mega Pass Holder Can’t Wait to Ski Your…

Whistleblower Alleges Marketing Director Shoveled…

Why I Gave Up Everything (Except My Trust Fund) to…

‘Gravity Still Pulling Down’ TGR Study Finds

Adopt a Dirtbag® Campaign Unveiled by Epic Resorts

Kid On Leash Slowly Building Need For Lifelong…

Epic Resorts Adds Everest to 2020 Ski Pass

‘Flaming Land Shark’ Discovered in Grand…

How To Talk With Your Family About Peter Pan…

Mom Says ‘F**k It,’ Reveals Kids’ Dirtbaggery at…

Ex Ski Bum Questions Point Of Career, Adulthood

NPS says “F&#k It,” renames iconic park…

TGR Uncovers Ski School Admissions Scandal

Dog Wishes Mom Would Hurry the F*** Up and Drop In…

Hot Tub Poacher Brought Down After Interstate…

Bromance Deepens During Wild Angling Mission

​River Rat Spotted Bathing In Ski Town Waterway

View All

About The Author

Follow

Check Out Sam Morse on Google+

stash member Sam Morse

TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.