Older parents-WWYD?

[liv2ski]

Do you have room on your property for a small house for them, so they'd have their own space, and you'd have yours?

Not a small house, but we can add on a nice granny flat that is about 480 sq ft down on the other end of the house from our bedroom. That way they are on one end and we are on the other when we need some space. My mom is a PITA, but I love my step dad and I really want to take care of him too. Whatever happened to him over the last year, I want to be sure that doesn't happen again or his son will just institutionalize him.

[yeahman]

I never want to be a burden on my kids, they don't "owe" me a damn thing. I want them to go live their lives and enjoy it, not be stuck taking care of my demented ass. I will either check into a cheap old folks home or just end my life on my own terms.

[wooley12]

I'm at the other side of your ride and thinking about my own. You are acting about this at the right time. I hear where your heart is and your wife is so that matters. Get the alarm. They won't use it but you'll have them thinking about what's ahead. Personality matters and their wishes to a point. My inlaws found a facility with a continum of care that was ideal. Small apartment/kitchen. Meals available in the dining hall. Neighbors, medical transport and door checks. The place had a nursing home across the green space the the FIL went into his alzheimer's. Maybe you can find something like that for a transition. My pop lived alone 20 minutes away from me which was convenient for me in taking him to all his med appointments. Prepare for that. They shouldn't go alone IMO. Dad lived alone and the last two years on cashews and soup and kept falling ("I'm lucky. I always fall on the couch or the bed") until he fell on the driveway while I watched and went into a decent nursing home. I still had work to do but he was relatively safe and accompanied. Had more than enough money. He left $10k split 5 ways after 3 years in the home .



Every deal is different and the ride changes all the time and you only have the reins not a steering wheel.

Most important, seriously, keep seeing this time as a gift. Even when it's hard to.

[old goat]

Seems like if you mother feels like working in the garden, she should work in the garden. It's her life, if that's what she likes, she should do it. Imagine someone telling someone they were too old to ski or hike or whatever?

You could get her one of those alert button lanyard things?

Downsizing isn't a bad idea not is trying to get them involved with a senior center or some sort of activities that will keep them active, not isolated, etc.

This^^^ Go to where they live and look into whats available through their city and church.
Do not tell your parents what to do. They have earned the right to do what they want. I have dealt with this issue with my mom and now dealing with it with our inlaws.

Let them do whatever in the hell they want until it's time to check into an old folks home.

If I make it to that age anyone tries to tell me how to live my life they can get bent.

As someone fast approaching your mom's condition I'm with these folks ^^^^^

While that suggestion is best for selfish me, it may lead to an earlier demise of my mom and that is what I am trying to avoid.
As someone who isn't that far off from being in your mom's condition, I'm with these folks ^^^
Rather than working her ass off on the grounds of her condo association, she can do all the gardening she wants at our place. I would set up a nice garden for her right outside her bedroom french doors.

And Meadow Skipper, your right. Us not being able to travel for years at a time is a first world problem I will get over. We could continue to do a few weeks here and there and my girls would be close enough to each check up on them every other day while we are out of town.

To be clear, I don't tell them what to do. I tell them I am worried about them being 2 hours away. It really is best for them if we do this, as their quality of life should go way up. It is just scary to think I will be living with them for the next 20+ years, but like Scotty said, I owe my mom.

For most people--independence and doing what you want to do outweighs living longer.

As far as the alert bracelet--my mom had one but when she fell and broke her pelvis she lay there all night because she didn't want to go to the hospital, which of course she wound up doing anyways. (It wasn't dementia--she never thought straight when she was young either.)

[KQ]

Relatively to their life long partner. One out lived their partner for over 15 years. She was 18 when she got married.

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Don't get me wrong, I think it's great they had such a full life and who wouldn't want to go on living as long as they had health and wit. That said, in 2015 the life expectancy of a male in the US was 78.74 years. Your relatives beat the odds and yes they were younger than their mates when they died but were at a age that certainly does not fall into the "relatively young" category.

My Dad's sister was 16 when she got married. I they celebrated 70 years together!

Bad news for those of us still living:

US life expectancy is low and is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030

[capulin overdrive]

I never want to be a burden on my kids, they don't "owe" me a damn thing. I want them to go live their lives and enjoy it, not be stuck taking care of my demented ass. I will either check into a cheap old folks home or just end my life on my own terms.

People think like this, but the key is to have a plan in place and talk to your kids before you reach the bat shit crazy stage.

[Harry]

but the key is to have a plan in place

Our family has a detailed plan made over 15 years ago when my Dad died. Mom just turned 90 this year, still living on her own. Great support network of friends in her little town. Unfortunately "The Plan" involves me moving back to Wisconsin when she needs care. That seemed reasonable 15 years ago, but I love my life here in Montana. The next couple of years will be interesting for me. Maybe I will be posting TR's from Christie Mountain (with its 300 feet of vertical...)

[yeahman]

People think like this, but the key is to have a plan in place and talk to your kids before you reach the bat shit crazy stage.

Absolutely I will talk to them as they get older. I think long-term care insurance might be a good idea too, although I've never seriously looked into that. Could be a ripoff like most other insurance.

[Marshall Tucker]

My daughter claims she's going to take me in my wheelchair to the top of a steep hill and let me go. I suggested she light me on fire before pushing me off.

now that's just sheer awesome.

[capulin overdrive]

Our family has a detailed plan made over 15 years ago when my Dad died. Mom just turned 90 this year, still living on her own. Great support network of friends in her little town. Unfortunately "The Plan" involves me moving back to Wisconsin when she needs care. That seemed reasonable 15 years ago, but I love my life here in Montana. The next couple of years will be interesting for me. Maybe I will be posting TR's from Christie Mountain (with its 300 feet of vertical...)

Your mom is at the age where she's a fall away from long term care. Should maybe ask her if she'd do LTC in Montucky when it happens. If her mind last longer than her body, she could be years in LTC. Think my Grandma lasted 4 or 5 years.

[XXX-er]

so I duno if any of you fucking dentists know this but at 80-90 yrs old getting sick can induce delirium

as oposed to dementia

[Bunion 2020]

Bad news for those of us still living:

US life expectancy is low and is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030

I dunno, I see that as an equilibrium. Most people haven't save enough to afford to retire let alone pay for LTC so the options are die or be a burden.

Enjoy your day.

[PassTheDutchie]

Whatever happened to him over the last year, I want to be sure that doesn't happen again or his son will just institutionalize him.

"Wrong, turns out he is developing some mental issues (he's crazy) wasn't sleeping, drinking to much and he started to develop auditory and visual hallucinations. "

Could well be the beginnings of Lewy Body Dementia. Worth checking into with his m.d./a neurologist.

[old goat]

Chances are that if you take an elderly person into your household it will be the woman in the house--whether daughter or daughter in law--who takes care of them. So it should be their call. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times an elderly person was brought to their appointment with me by a man.

[Meadow Skipper]

Chances are that if you take an elderly person into your household it will be the woman in the house--whether daughter or daughter in law--who takes care of them. So it should be their call. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times an elderly person was brought to their appointment with me by a man.

Words of wisdom.

[Harry]

Our family has a detailed plan made over 15 years ago when my Dad died. Mom just turned 90 this year, still living on her own. Great support network of friends in her little town. Unfortunately "The Plan" involves me moving back to Wisconsin when she needs care. That seemed reasonable 15 years ago, but I love my life here in Montana. The next couple of years will be interesting for me. Maybe I will be posting TR's from Christie Mountain (with its 300 feet of vertical...)

Fuck me, bumping my own post from this old thread.

Mom is now 93, almost 94. She just went blind.

Overall healthy despite COPD from years of smoking plus congestive heart failure. She really suffered emotionally during COVID lockdown, so I agreed to come back to Wisconsin until a vaccine was developed. But now her going blind is really throwing a wrench into my life.

Funny that my post from 4 years ago talks about Christie Mountain, if you check the Midwest Stoke thread you will see I have been skiing there all winter. Fun little hill, nothing like Big Sky, but it is keeping me sane.

I really need to find an old folks home for her, but she is absolutely refusing to consider it. She actually had a place picked out, but COVID hit that home hard, 2/3 of the residents died in a massive outbreak. So now, despite her having both shots, she won’t even consider it.

An old Warren Miller movie once said “when you come to fork in the road, take it !”. That’s where I feel I am at right now.

Not really looking for advice. Just wanting to vent about my situation. Thanks everyone.

/blog


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[riser4]

Damn. Sorry man.

We were supposed to take my 93 yo FIL back from my SIL last month however he a) got appointments for his covid shots and b) had to go to the hospital for a while. So it will be next month. He swaps between here and there. It's getting to the point where I am not sure he can stand the 6hr of just driving.

[AdironRider]

Sorry to hear about you Mom.

I don't think a single person right now would voluntarily go to a nursing home, so I can see her reasoning.

Going blind, but otherwise still with it has got to be tough.

[Whiteroom_Guardian]

Sorry to hear that Harry. You are being a good son. I hope to have that wisdom/patience when my mom's (single and most likely always will be) health starts to fail and I am her only support.

[Marshall Tucker]

These are tough things. no-doubt. Update 2ski?

[Meadow Skipper]

Harry, vibes man.

[dtown]

Harry...sorry to hear about your situation but it sounds like you’re approaching it like a pro. Are there care givers you can hire so you’re not on call 24/7?

From what I recall, you’re in a great area in WI to get in some mtn biking and toss a few flies for smallmouth but could be tough if you’re her only resource. Try and get yourself some “Harry-time” if at all possible.



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[schindlerpiste]

Harry that is a sad story. I took a deep breath. Thanks for sharing. I certainly understand her not wanting to live at a public facility, but it is an incredibly tough decision. Fuck COVID! Big positive vibes sent to both you and your mom.

[KQ]

Fuck me, bumping my own post from this old thread.

Mom is now 93, almost 94. She just went blind.

Overall healthy despite COPD from years of smoking plus congestive heart failure. She really suffered emotionally during COVID lockdown, so I agreed to come back to Wisconsin until a vaccine was developed. But now her going blind is really throwing a wrench into my life.

Funny that my post from 4 years ago talks about Christie Mountain, if you check the Midwest Stoke thread you will see I have been skiing there all winter. Fun little hill, nothing like Big Sky, but it is keeping me sane.

I really need to find an old folks home for her, but she is absolutely refusing to consider it. She actually had a place picked out, but COVID hit that home hard, 2/3 of the residents died in a massive outbreak. So now, despite her having both shots, she won’t even consider it.

An old Warren Miller movie once said “when you come to fork in the road, take it !”. That’s where I feel I am at right now.

Not really looking for advice. Just wanting to vent about my situation. Thanks everyone.

/blog


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Sorry to hear that Harry.

*knock on wood* My mom's place has been covid free and now they are all vaxxed so things seem good. Her place if fab. She's still in the independent side at 90yo. I've been lucky that my mother is fine with being told what she needs to do though that could change if faculties decline.

This is where my mom lives:

Wheatland

Hope you can get your mom to come around. I've found that after a time they often come to their own decisions and make the move. How is she doing with Gigi with her blindness?

[dan_pdx]

Vibes to all those who are taking care of their parents. My mom is there now and it's hard; my sister and are I helping out as much as we can, but the bulk of the work falls on my dad, and what he's doing is not sustainable. I didn't know what a luxury it was when my parents were healthy and independent.