To The Fucking Fuck Who Stole My Mountain Bike

[phUnk]

I left my side garage door open because I live in a good neighborhood.

You snuck in at night and stole my bike.

Touché.

However, I should warn you that I don't take getting fucked with lightly. I don't handle it well. It tends to make me mad. You wouldn't like me when I'm mad.

And it is in the spirit of being mad because I have recently been fucked with that I set about catching you. I will admit that at first, I simply sulked. I sulked and I burned. I burned with the great fury of someone who intensely dislikes the getting-fucked-with sensation. I burned like The Reverand Floater's genitals after illicit exploits with South American women. But with this terrible anger came a wonderful idea.

A honeypot.

I decided I would attempt to lure you back to the very same spot you had visited two nights previously when you liberated my mountain bike from my garage. My Gary Fisher Sugar 2. My first mountain bike. My only mountain bike. My Precioussss.

I would lure you back and set a trap. A trap that would wake the dogs, wake the neighborhood, wake the very dead! Yet, it would leave your rotten little corpuscule of a thief's body unharmed and hence, my future free of lawsuits. The first step?

The bait.

Mrs. phUnk's mountain bike had escaped the treachery of your first visit. Now it would be the sweet, sweet bait for your second visit and your inevitable undoing. I positioned the bike such that the front tire was actually peeking out from behind the garage door. Peeking out, as if to say, "My, my. The people who live here must be complete idiots. Look at the way they've stored me in plain sight of the street. It's almost as if they were too stupid to learn their lesson the first time you stole their bike. Now, come steal me."

"It'll be easy."

What you don't see, and won't see, is that you'll be running off with more than just a mountain bike if you should choose to visit my garage again tonight. There is fishing line tied securely to the seatpost of this bike.

12 pound test.

On the other end of this fishing line? A 5 foot long metal fence post, the kind you buy at a hardware store, the cheap kind, the kind that, when it falls on say... a concrete garage floor, it CLAAAAANGS so hard that your ears ring. That's right:

Onomatopoeia, motherfucker.

Once you've gotten the bike 4 feet out of the garage, the fishing line will pull taut and pull the fence post down onto the concrete, signaling the start of round one. This sound will wake me up. If it somehow fails to wake me up, it will most certainly wake my two dogs up, whose ferocious barking will certainly wake me up. Their barking will also cause you to shit your pants.

If, by some stoke of insane anti-karma, it fails to wake even my dogs up, then it will be time. Time for what? Time to:

Meet Mr Shovel

You see, Mr Shovel is hanging out with Mrs phUnk's bike and little Billy Fencepost in the garage tonight too. As it would happen, Mr Shovel is tied to a 12 foot long yellow nylon rope. The other end of the rope (as you are no doubt wondering,) is tied to the rear derailleur of Mrs phUnk's bike. If little Billy Fencepost should fail in any way, Mr Shovel is there to save the day/night.

I estimate you'll get about 2 bikes lengths down the driveway before your premature celebration will be cut short by the sound of a 6 pound metal shovel being dragged behind you. Can you drag a shovel and a fence post behind a bike with 2 flat tires down a 50 foot driveway faster than I can get out the front door?

We shall see.

At this point, you are officially fucked. You are officially fucked not because you've made an enormous amount of noise, but because I will be standing at the end of the driveway. I will be awake. I will be wearing shoes. I will be upset and I will be very, very ready to fuck your shit up.

I will already be outside and blocking your only exit because I have spent the entire night waiting for you. The front door is unlocked and there is a flashlight next to it. I have spent the night relaxing on the couch. I have been drinking Red Bull to give me wings should you attempt to flee the scene. I have been alternating the Bull with Gatorade, should the chase last all night. In other words:

I will be ready.

When you see me, you will run. I would expect nothing less from a thieving coward such as yourself. As you take your first few steps to escape, you will hear a distinct POP... HIIISSsssss behind you. That is the sound of a can of whoop-ass being opened just for you. I will take care to avoid spilling any, as I run you down in the street. You see; we are going to enjoy that can of whoop-ass together.

I promise.

After that point, if you should somehow survive the ordeal, I suspect you'll remember nothing more than the wail of the ambulance sirens and my crush of my foot on your throat. Perhaps you'll even remember hearing the EMTs remark how they've never seen a bike thief get so tangled up in the stolen bike's chain that his testicles were cut off.

They will also note how much my dogs enjoyed eating them.

[Steven S. Dallas]

Smoov B, meet Dirty Harry.

Sucks about the ride, mang. Insured?

[iskibc]

so does the scenario change if he has a gun or some other type of weaponary?

seriously, I hope you catch this facker and get him good. It's gotta be one of the worst feelings to have something valuable stolen from your property. Good luck

[The Jackamo]

don't forget to take pictures... i want some fuckin laughs...

threaten to cut his balls off and feed them to your dogs if he doesn't tell you where your bike is

[bagtagley]

Sucks about the bike, man. Sugar's a pretty nice steed (had a couple myself), but I'd use this as an opportunity to step it up. Someone with your talent and craziness needs a bigger bike.

Good luck with the hunt, let us know how it goes.

[ak_powder_monkey]

Check with your local schools janitor thats where my bike went

[Samwich]

sucks about the bike, phUnk. I hope you catch the guy. I doubt he'd be stupid enough to come back to the same house, though...

Just remember, even if you don't get your bike back (and i hope you do) it's ski season soon. Just wait until then, and everything will seem better.

[Tyrone Shoelaces]

that sucks about the bike. truly sucks...

if they come back though...you got 'em....just don't let them beat you with the weapons that would've given them (i.e. the post & the shovel)

[iceman]

Update needed.

[Mott the Hoople]

I really like the shovel and fence post idea but tying off to the trigger of a 12 ga. loaded with rock salt or some such seems like a little more fun. Good luck on catching the scumbag.

[Clack]

What ever happened to dropping a garbage can on someone's head? Old school but good.



http://www.geocities.com/xxeva_unit_04xx/7.JPG

[UTdave]

I might be able to hook you up with a deal on a Specialized or Giant. let me know if you're interested.

[DaveTV]

Hmmmm - this wouldn't be it, now would it?

[Arty50]

Dave, nice catch if that's it!

I pretty much have the same bike. If someone stole my Sugar, they would meet Mr. 45-70. Mr. 12-guage is too nice.

[Buster Highmen]

OK, say you've got a neighbor walking his dogs through your yard at 3:30 in the morning.

Suggestions?

Note that sleep is at a premium now with a 7 week old and a two year old. Note that when I do wake up to go outside to look, they've gone and run up the driveway.

[Ferniefreeheels]

It really bites about your bike man. I know I would be devistated if someone ripped mine off...A good bud who I ride with all the time rides a sugar 2....nice bike.
Will your house insurance cover it? Maybe a sugar 3 is in your future .

[phUnk]

Originally posted by DaveTV
Hmmmm - this wouldn't be it, now would it?

Nope, that's not it, but thanks for keeping an eye out. Mine is white with Easton Monkey Lite carbon bars.

Update For Iceman(g):
Spent the night as described. At some ungodly hour I am awoken by a noise, a big noise. Following my script, I leap off the couch, grab the flashlight, whip the door open, bang the screen door open and make it to the driveway without even touching any stairs.

Flashlight on. Bike tire and Billy fencepost are still accounted for in the garage. All is silent now. My brain is just waking up even though the adrenaline already has my heart redlined.

Suddenly, that noise again.

It's two racoons fucking.

Cold, adrenaline-shocked, tired and disappointed by the complete lack of bloodshed the night has produced, I pull the truck up to block the garage door and head upstairs for bed. Down, but not out.

[ak_powder_monkey]

Originally posted by phUnk


It's two racoons fucking.

SHIT THATS KINDA FUNNY DAMN COONS! Dude $71 for that sugar on ebay, buy it and if you find yours you can send that one to me


PM me I'll send you some money to buy it I think all the maggots should do the same cause phUnk is the mang

[char]

What if the thief has a knife?

[phUnk]

Originally posted by char
What if the thief has a knife?

Then he'd better use it to cut out my memory banks.

Otherwise, that fucker's picture is going to be all over Salt Lake City in the morning.

Next question?

[dude_le_skibum]

what if the dude.. reads this board ?

[char]

Originally posted by phUnk
Then he'd better use it to cut out my memory banks.

Otherwise, that fucker's picture is going to be all over Salt Lake City in the morning.

Next question?

I meant to cut the rope and fishing line....

[Crinkle]

Same thing happened to my buddy in Denver. Bike was locked with a chain inside a locked porch door. All that was taken was the bike. I am paranoid about my bike too. I keep it locked to the rafter on hooks, inside a locked shed.

Only problem with reporting it to your home insurance company is that it will increase your premium for having a claim.

Hope you get the f'er.

[Plakespear]

Dude, you're plan has one flaw. Don't you think that as soon as that guy hears the noise- he'll be gone before you can get to him? I mean, you think he's still gonna try and steal the bike after causing a commotion?

[phUnk]

Originally posted by char
I meant to cut the rope and fishing line....

How would he see clear fishing line, in the dark?

Who the hell uses clear fishing line for a booby trap in his garage when he's too stupid to just close the damn door? Nobody, which is why, much like the Spanish inquisition, nobody would expect it.

Edit for Plakespear: That was a bit of embellishment on my part. The point was to make the noise so I would know to leap from the couch to the front door and start judo chopping anything that moves. Based on the surprise racoon nookie test, I definitely would have cut off their exit.

The bike is already painted flat black (like Pinners Explosivs, hmmm....) and getting chopped and turned into a low rider. This whole thing is just wishful thinking anyways. Fuck those fucking fuckers.