Older parents-WWYD?

[Danno]

Fuck that sucks, gl.

[PB]

Time to gather a TGR posse and all show up en mass??

[abraham]

Sorry about your dad GL. And the rest of your family.

Time to gather a TGR posse and all show up en mass??

First annual 'is it upstate?' convention might be a good way to stick it to them.

[ticketchecker]

Vibes GL, sorry to hear.

KQ, we moved my step mother into memory care two years ago. It’s a spendy place where she has her own room and it’s nice enough for what it is. Her pension and SS covers it so made the choice easier. When I visit it’s hard to imagine her sharing a room with someone and it going well. That being said, it’s really hard to tell if her experience would be any different if she had a roommate. My Dad visits her M-F every week and some days are better than others is how he describes it. I can only imagine what’s going to happen to her when he can’t make it there to visit and she’s in Florida and we’re all up in NE. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, all I know is they’re cheaper in FL than up here cuz there’s lots of them.

If we had to make the monthly payment on it I don’t know if we wouldn’t have gone the Medicaid route. The scene is kinda grim no matter what and I toured a half dozen places with my sister when we picked this one.


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[riser4]

My brother turned into an instant asshole. He's going to be mamas boy (mom hated my wife and disinherited me) and do everything to freeze me out. He sent the funeral announcement and only put him and his wife and kids names on there like me and mine don't even exist. When he posted it on FB and I responded that I'd be there with my family he deleted my post. Tomorrow is going to suck.

Wow.

[m2711c]

yep, follow larry’s lead on this one.

[gravitylover]

Can't sleep, got maybe 4 hours. It's gonna be a long day.

[gravitylover]

Yup it's official. My brother is a dick and will receive a proper beatdown soon. Now I'm almost sorry I went to my dad's funeral and spent time with the family afterwards. This sux.

[frorider]

Shit sucks. Sorry GL you had to deal with that.

[fatnslow]

I hate seeing family drama after a death. My guess is there was a metric shit ton of stuff going on BEFORE so deal with the loss of your dad first and then move on to the rest or just punt.

[gravitylover]

There was too much... Somehow I always figured it would smooth out when my parents were gone my brother would stop being mamas boy. Nope. Now he's on a power trip too. Oh well, right. Grrr

[old goat]

KQ--I was listening to a piece on NPR about the effect of music on dementia. The person had angry, agitated father with dementia but when she played music he had liked in the past--opera in his case--he became calm and cooperative. (Opera would make me more demented, unless it was Puccini, or maybe Carmen. Definitely not Wagner.)

[gravitylover]

Here's an idea. Record some of your last conversations with your parent. The sound of their voice gets muddy pretty quickly. It could also be used to protect yourself from the asshole sibling that becomes the executor of the estate. Unfortunately I didn't think to do that Who thinks you have to protect your interests when dealing with your brother? You don't think so but you do.

[riser4]

Here's an idea. Record some of your last conversations with your parent. The sound of their voice gets muddy pretty quickly. It could also be used to protect yourself from the asshole sibling that becomes the executor of the estate. Unfortunately I didn't think to do that Who thinks you have to protect your interests when dealing with your brother? You don't think so but you do.

Shit. That sucks.

[JohnF]

Lot going on here. Sorry for all that you are going through. The time before they pass is the worst. It's something to work through for a long time after.

[gravitylover]

One of the things we've talked about a few times in this thread is not leaving unfinished business. I did but with the best intentions. I didn't see the need to bring the hurt opening what I thought were old wounds but apparently, they were still fresh and valid. I didn't want to have it turn ugly and my dad and I cut off communication again and it ending that way so we danced around it and hugged it out and I thought we were good to go but no... Now I have to live with that decision for however long and the fact that I didn't watch my own back is haunting me and keeping me up most of the night. My brother said some really mean shit that I sure didn't expect and probably won't ever be able to work past and it looks like there won't be any communication until I receive the will in the mail. I think I'm going to start filling out random magazine subscriptions with his address. I need some other totally benign ways to fuck with him that he'll never think came from me.

[KQ]

Sorry you're going through drama with your brother GL. After all you've been through to have the misery extended after your father's passing is awful.

***********

On my end it looks like I'll have Mom's medicaid approval next week and can move her into the memory care facility. I'm a little worried for her because she's fairly high functioning. I hope there are others there that are at her level. She has vascular dementia from the stroke with left neglect. She knows what day/month/year it is, where she lives (country/state/county/city/name of facility) and who is president etc.ect. but has deficits here and there. She is basically between a nursing home and memory care at this point. Her wandering prevents her from being in assisted living anymore.

The state social worker who interviewed her today told me that once she is moved into the new facility that I shouldn't visit her for several weeks so she settles in but that seems so cruel esp. since I've been seeing her everyday since the stroke (prior to the stroke I would see her once a week when she was in assisted living and when she was independent it was every 2 weeks).

[Buster Highmen]

It's hard to decide if the social worker really knows what's best.

One of the times my mom wandered off, my dad couldn't find her. After checking every nook in the condo, he walked the grounds and the paths to the tennis courts. They loved tennis.

He couldn't find her, so called the cops.

Cops search a wide swath, out to the golf courses and swamps, no hints, no sign of her whereabouts.

Finally, someone goes up on the roof of the condo and there she is.

I'fd talk to the sw some more and make a guess about how connected they are to the particular situation. Follow your heart from there. Good luck.

[lowsparkco]

KQ I think I’d go back to your pre-stroke routine. Skipping three weeks just to encourage her to assimilate seems childish. Glad you’ve found her a facility that can grow with her greater needs.

[fomofo]

Saw this on CBS this morning...



At 4:15 in the vid they talk Medi-Cal (Medicaid in California) covering long term care. For anyone who might potentially benefit here are some links that could be of interest...

Medi-Cal Asset Elimination FAQ

Medi-Cal (for People with Medicare)

Ways to Lower or Stop your Medi-Cal Share of Cost

[Buster Highmen]

My partner is destroying herself, we've got to get some in home care.
It's very unlikely that the FIL would allow himself to be put in a nursing home. It's more or less a guarantee that every nursing home would kick him out in short order.

Anyone got any recs for Eastside Seattle area? Looks like Home Instead has decent reviews.

[BCMtnHound]

Picked up Dad on the weekend and brought him to our place. He had a small heart attack, in and around getting surgery to remove a couple toes that got infected after smashing them into something. He spent the last month in hospital. Managed to discharge himself and get back home (against our advice), but quickly realized he doesn’t have the strength to live alone just yet.
Wife works part time in local homehealth in addition to her acute care position so was able to transfer his paperwork over to our facilities easily enough. His dressing and vac pump need changing every three days.
Got to get the grab bars installed in the bath. Cat took just a couple hours to explain to his pup who rules the house so all good there. Our TV runs mostly through our computer and/or internet so it’s been a bit challenging getting him used to our tech, but our daughter lives for the opportunity to play with any screen device so he is well supported in the entertainment realm.

He’s finally making a commitment to sell his property, still hasn’t decided where to move to, maybe stay in Nelson, maybe near Vancouver. Trying to get him to make that decision so we can help with those next steps. Puts a bit of a crimp in our plans for the summer, but that’s what family is all about. Hope I am a bit more proactive when I am his age - LOL- but probably not.

[XXX-er]

I'm not that old yet but its coming so Junior and i had the very start of that convo where I said yeah i might move back to PeeG so when I become a problem it will be easier on you for me to be A problem, I would miss the town but it wouldn't take much to get rid of shit and move east at some point

[Woodsy]

Good luck to you my friends.
Lucky my folks sold their place and moved into a place with care when needed.

[Woodsy]

This seems the right and possibly only place to ask this; is there a word for loving your mom but also thinking it wouldn't be the worst thing if she died.
Wife and I have been discussing this recently about both our respective mothers in their 80s.
Mine just left after being here for a week with no plan but fiending for time with only grandchild. Wife is getting wellness check calls from Dr offices and sherriffs in NH as her mom is un responsive for weeks, then shows up at a Dr office talking crazy....